whether or not it is me, my fault, or if its just you

I'm still losing out on this.

There is still someone else you're not sure of, because he might do better. HE MIGHT BE BETTER FOR YOU.

I could feel your mind wandering from me forever.

The last time i was with you i felt you werent even there for me. Like i was a nice vacation.

My life up in smoke and you're concerned about my christmas

A million dollars and the holiday cheer couldn't raise my spirits.

You are in my head, and I let you get there, I never thought I'd want you out of it, but as long as I am breathing through the next few days, weeks, or possibly the rest of my life this panic rat is going to tear my mind to shreds. Wondering if it was because I was letting myself go, or you just didnt like me anymore, and yes, that wouldn't be me. That would be you. Because I cannot control how you do or do not feel about me. "It's not you, it's me." Is the worst kind of and/or furthest thing from comfort.

Maybe that isn't normal, and maybe I am not normal. Perhaps I am absolutely wrong, but I cant help but admit it's all I am. Furthermore, I am ashamed of myself.

You tell me you still love me, but i never, ever, ever, ever, never, ever, ever, ever not in a million fucking years thought that love for another could ever be accomplished when the circumstances concerns THREE people. I never knew love and similar feelings could exist at the same time from one person. And to be honest, I really don't think it does.

I do not believe that you love me.

I bet deep down both of us felt we were better off without eachother. Maybe I don't know this for sure, but my guess is that I was the only one who really could care less about how I was... "better off."

I confided in a friend last night, and I told them about why i felt so strongly about you. I felt like if I was able to pick from a lineup of any girl in the entire world, taken or not, celebrities, movie stars, women from past or present, real people or just simple characters of fiction, if i could choose anyone. ANYONE.

I would have chosen you.

I always wanted to feel like that's how you felt about me. But I never did. I used to have optimism. I used to let myself think maybe i was wrong and there was a possibility that you felt that way.

And now I know that you do not.

And I cant feel that anymore about you. I look for it inside of me, because I really want to feel that way, because that's when I felt best, but it seems that it's just gone. Something that grew inside of me for more than two years has disappeared in less than 24 hours.

Nonetheless, you're still in my head. Between every breath you appear. I wrote last night that I was feeling something short of hell. And I really do believe that. I believe that hell is something that is the slightest bit too far out of reach, and you're dying or living to have it. You absolutely cannot. You cant turn away from it, and you cant focus on anything else. All you can do is wonder if its going to float away, or if maybe one day something is going to shift it back into reach.

Whether or not that makes sense, its the best I can describe it. And if it is indecipherable then i guess that is the best explanation of what is going on in my head.

Someone once described my situation similar to that of a puppy. I lashed out on them.

Theres nothing like feeling as a fool for lashing out on someone for being right.

A puppy has the gift of unconditional love, but is only taken for granted, and most certainly the feeling/gift is not mutual.

Having to question some of the things you've said, things that made me feel better than all of the world, things that made me a better person, and things that made me feel loved by you. I question all of them now. It literally makes me sick. I have put my head in a fucking toilet bowl, spewing out things that I ate earlier, and I am watching it all happen through my eyes but I really dont feel anything. I'm kind of just watching it happen to myself while autopilot does the rest. In what had to be a second or two I wondered if I might just lunge in. Not that I wanted to, I don't like the idea of myself being harmed, by myself or anyone. But you know how some things just click? Like when I'll pound myself in the head out of nowhere? Simply because I've put all my bad feelings off, it usually takes a long while for them to build up. But this time it only took about 30-45 minutes for my boddy to trigger, I didnt punch myself, but my body rejected everything inside of it.

I wondered if it was symbolic.






I read over this and i sound as if I'm losing my mind.

And I probably am.